10 Things the Rio Olympics Taught Me

So Usain Bolt has really never stood on a lower podium in all the Olympics he’s attended. Always on the highest one, in the middle. Ei. Ghana. When? Wheeen? Côte d’Ivoire has won some oh (I was so happy I almost cried). You too win some!

(This is the second part of an earlier post. You can read that one here.)

5. Can anybodyyyy find meee somebody tooo love? *Rachel Potter voice*

Yeah I think I need one of those. I think. I imagine people in relationships stay up late having winding conversations that end something like ‘You hang up’/ ‘No, you hang up’ / ‘No, you hang up’ and MTN is having a field day. You know what I stayed up thinking about in the past three weeks? (Who am I kidding? This stretches beyond those three weeks.) The thrill of watching Elaine Thompson finish ahead of Dafni Schippers. Is Shaunae Miller’s fall across the finish line something athletes will be replicating in coming days? Why did Jebet slow down before she finished…if she’d kept up the pace she could’ve broken the world record! Is Ayana even human? Nadal oh Nadal how I wanted you to make it to the finals! I can’t help it. The volleyball was just amazing. Some of the digs—the digs!—and the spikes, and the blocks were so stupidly on point…yeah, I need help.

5. Thief in the Night!

Like a thief in the night, stealing their sleep,

The American volleyball teams will see

That’s it. I’m done trying to rhyme.

I imagine the USA men’s volleyball team will dream the feral eyes of Italy’s Ivan Zaytsev—with his funky haircut and earring—and remember his aces and blocks that forced them to play the bronze medal match. The USA women? They’ll feel exactly the same about Serbia’s laughing Brankica Mihajlovic. Kikikiki!

5! In God’s own image!

Deejah Stevens. Eliza McCartney. Natasha Hastings. Ristananna Tracy. Michelle Ahuore. Janieve Russell. Marie-Laurence Jungfreisch. Brianna Rollins. A.k.a., a handful of the very beautiful women who lit up the Olympic atmosphere with their presence. Too many beautiful people came for this one. And the men. I would rather not get started on them, but I have to say Max (Matt?) Anderson, Aaron Russell, Thiago Braz da Silva, Aska Cambridge…I have to stop. I can’t control the wheezing. But all these fit girls have inspired me. By December I shall lose 60 kg, after which I will be about as heavy as one of Escobar’s rubber bands. Will start after I eat my last berf loaf. Next week. Next month. 

4? Decency, like black lipstick, will always have appeal.

My mom used to watch the male athletes when they lined up for the start of a race, to see whose underarms were shaved when they raised their hands. Those who’d been considerate to viewers had perfectly smooth pits. My! I could put my cheeks there! Little wonder they were often the handsomer ones. Not necessarily the ones who won the medals, but they’re the ones we love. Yeah.

3. Nihon!

We all know it’s Japan that won the men’s 4x100m relay race. Usain Bolt is not really a human being.

3. English Gardner is American.

2. A lot of half-co babies will be born nine months on.

2. I found my twin!

She’s in the Brazilian female football squad. Her name’s Debinha! Too much talent in our family!

1. I should probably learn how to count.

1. Gender inequality will always exist.

Men do decathlon, a.k.a. 10 events. Women do heptathlon—seven. The male record for fastest 200m time is 19.19 seconds. For women? 21.34 secs. The male gymnastic floor routine will always be an utter bore compared to the female one. The women at the Olympics are always prettier than the men. Live with it. We’ll never be equal.

Tokyo! We’re waiting for you to light up television again in 2020! We do stay with Rio for the Paralympics in December, Cleveland in October for the start of the NBA, Gabon in January for the AFCON, and then Melbourne for the Tennis open, Russia for the World Cup…so you have time. 

Please use robots in your opening ceremony.